We all know writers are vampires. They come alive at night to drink ink from the pens of the living, and spend ungodly hours writing until they are weak and weeping from the deaths caused by their words.
Sometimes it can be hard to re-emerge from that world.
By now I think my friends have grown accustomed to the reason behind my pale, pale skin and reddened eyes. But for those who don’t know — and love— writers, our morbid attachment to words and ink can seem obsessive. Crazy. After all, we spend our lives caught in a vicious circle of pen and ink. Venturing out into the outside world can be, for many of us, painful and frustrating, every step away from our desks tearing us farther away from our stories.
Forced to venture out into the normal world? Here’s your guide to survival.
- Your notebook is a portal from the normal world to the safety of the writing realm. Always keep it with you.
- Caught in a pack of normal people? Never make direct eye contact. Pretend to be occupied with mundane, ordinary thoughts. Smile at your phone. Snap selfies. Do whatever it takes to blend in. Otherwise the normies may see you’re planning a story and attack.
- Remember, a book shield is your greatest weapon. It drives away normies and lets you remain hidden in plain sight. The thicker the books, the better.
- If a normie discovers you’re a writer, keep calm. Even if they ask to see your book, don’t show your true feelings (“Noooo, you’ll steal my ideas!”); smile politely and say, “Sure, once it’s published.” Then run away. Fast.
- More than anything, avoid comparing normies to your characters. Sure, John the quiet librarian may remind you of your serial killer antagonist, but whatever you do, don’t mention it to him. After all, you never know. . . .
What about you? What are your tips for surviving the normal world?